I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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