sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
