I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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