You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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