If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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