In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
