thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
