she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize