I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
