your thong is hanging out like whoa
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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