Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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