DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
