so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
