Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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