you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
