I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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