I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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