Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm at about main and main street
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
