i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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