I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
