At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
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