I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
