We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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