She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
