Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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