I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think my fart just growled at me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
