I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
