I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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