I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
