Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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