Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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