I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Swine flu is the new snow day.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
