If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
