I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
