Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Let's get the cat blown out
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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