My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
