Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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