Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
