Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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