Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
