I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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