Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
