I faked an abortion last night.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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