I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
