Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
