I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
