My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
