Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
