hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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