It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
