what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
