Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
