drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
