I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
