he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
