I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
