I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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