I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
