There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
