Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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