Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
