you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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