What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
