saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
