The maid of honor just puked.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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