Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
