I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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