i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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