if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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